well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
