In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
