i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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