you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
