I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I party with great urgency now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
