Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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