omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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