who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
