she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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