Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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