She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
