can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
