I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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