You're my little dorito
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
