yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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