im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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