how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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