I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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