Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
