eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
