i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it hurts more in the daytime
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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