Define "chronic" masturbator.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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