How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
