I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
