I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
