I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
