I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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