i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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