I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
