Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
