3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
