Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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