At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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