i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
accomplished twins. life is a go
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
