Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
