rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
