Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so explain again why im purple
no
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
