My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just pee around me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
