Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
