were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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