I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
