Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
COCAINE IS GR8
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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