It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
