Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
