You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
third nipple confirmed
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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