I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
