dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
