he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
