party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
