So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shame - the story of my life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
